JUN 29, 15 .. SIMON RE-VISITED ..

DISCLAIMER: If you are not into ‘intense’ .. just skip this Post!

A pensive Simon on Tuesday evening .. June 16th .. 2015 .. The last time we two were together ..

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I am showing these photos to emphasize that I am talking about a real human being here. This is not some abstract theoretical essay about ‘the cloud’. Simon touched me so deeply it is hard to fathom because we only knew one another for about six (6) months. We two were .. NO! .. We two ARE so much alike it is unreal. I am age 78 years .. Simon at age 35 was either like a son or even more like a grandson to Patti and myself.

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Simon was the man with the Million Dollar Smile. Simon just glowed .. he was absolutely full of life. That he was fun-to-be-with is an understatement.

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UNDERSTATEMENT?.. UM-M-M NO .. IT NEEDS AN ADJECTIVE .. LET ME THINK ON IT ..

Below is Simon’s last text message to me ..

Thursday .. June 18th 2015 .. 10:25am ..

Cap I cheaped out and waited 18 months for the public hospital. Now it’s too late and most likely I hope to have a few weeks at the most. I’m headed to Switzerland to die with dignity. Sorry I couldn’t say goodbye but I probably couldn’t have handled it anyway. It had been a blast take care and say hi to Patti.

VAST UNDERSTATEMENT ..

Since Simon’s text message to me eleven (11) days ago I have been thinking almost continuously about Simon and his text message. So much so that it has gotten to the point of having become an obsessive compulsive issue just ruminating over and over endlessly in my mind. It has .. to some degree .. occupied my every waking moment.

“The time has come,” the walrus said, “To talk of many things: Of shoes .. and ships .. and sealing wax.. Of cabbages .. and Kings .. And why the sea is boiling hot .. And whether pigs have wings.”  THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS .. THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER .. JABBERWOCKY .. Lewis Carroll .. 1871 ..

And so .. for my own mental health .. the time and the need to do this writing is here. I need to do it in order to put this entire Simon Issue to rest until .. and unless .. I hear more about Simon’s whereabouts or any other information about him.

For my own mental health I need to make-some-sense out of Simon’s text and actions.

In my ruminating mind I have come face-to-face with two words:

SUICIDE .. The intentional taking of one’s own life. A person who intentionally takes his or her own life.

EUTHANASIA .. Also known as mercy killing is the act of putting to death painlessly or allowing to die, as by withholding extreme medical measures, a person suffering from an incurable, especially painful .. disease or condition.

Sports Fans .. I have given intense thought as to what I am about to do. On one hand I absolutely hate to do this to you .. but I am doing this for myself. Until Gullible brought this to my attention .. I had NO CLUE about ..

As in .. “Why on earth is Simon going to Switzerland?!”

SWITZERLAND .. SUICIDE / EUTHANASIA ..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_in_Switzerland

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euthanasia_in_Switzerland

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/08/going-to-switzerland-is-a-euphemism-for-assisted-suicide/379182/

http://www.wsj.com/articles/study-shows-rise-in-visitors-to-switzerland-seeking-assisted-suicide-1408573802

http://lostallhope.com/euthanasia-assisted-suicide

Why my reticence about posting the above links?

In a short phrase: I didn’t want to give anyone any ideas.

This reticence died yesterday when I told a good friend of Simon that he .. Simon .. had gone to Switzerland. His immediate response was .. “Oh that is not good Cap!” And it came to light that ..

It seems that not only Gullible BUT THE WHOLE WORLD except for Captain here knows all about this issue and Switzerland.

MY SUICIDE ISSUES. Each of my only three first cousins successfully committed suicide. Their mother .. my Auntie Bea .. was my mother’s twin sister. My beloved Auntie Bea was institutionalized for her mental illness during the 1930s into the 1940s in London Ontario Canada. Electro-shock .. Brain Lobotomy .. Auntie Bea got-the-works. Simon YOU were not the only human being I have been with when they were experiencing an out-of-body mental-breakdown. My mom and I were with her twin sister and my aunt in the 1970s when we had to call for help. Had to watch the ambulance crew take her away because she was totally out-of-her-mind and about to burn down her own home around her. She never again was allowed to live-free and died in ‘captivity’ for lack of a better word. Got it .. Auntie Bea died in ‘protective custody’.

Below I believe is my saving grace.

Clive (gun) and Joannie (drug overdose) and Doug (alcohol) and I had different fathers. So half of my gene-pool is from a vastly different father as opposed to theirs. Then my mother and Auntie Bea were (this is critical) fraternal (not identical) twins (two eggs).

But lurking within my mind must be some of their father’s (Irish.. he was a Casey) and their mother’s (Scotish she was a Stewart) genetics passed to my mother and Auntie Bea.

Suicidal feelings Simon .. I KNOW the feeling. Here it is.

Disclaimer : I am speaking only for myself.

For me the suicidal impulse is often instantaneous! It comes on so instantaneously that is scares the living daylights out of me. I have said more than once to others ..

“If I had a gun I would blow my brains out.”

“Over missing the street car Cap?” .. “That is a drastic and permanent cure for a minor blip Cap.”

The solution. I will NEVER have any firearms around me EVER.

Suicide. A gun. A knife (hara-kiri) or bleeding (cutting wrists or throat). A bottle of pills. Drug overdose. Drinking (as did Simon) rat or other poison. Leap in front of a bus .. a train .. out of a window. Drive a vehicle into a wall (or other object).

These all have in common the fact that they are of an instantaneous nature. In my mind these suicide measures are upon-one suddenly and acted out suddenly.

I have learned that the impulse will pass as quickly as it came up and I then think to myself ..

“IF I am going to do THAT I have a shopping list of things I am going to do first! Let me reach here for my ‘bucket list’ “.

Now THIS type of suicide I fully understand. Quick .. no real planning ..

Spiritually .. I feel that my creator does not intend that I take my own life. This too assists me when the impulse comes upon me.

I was with Simon as he began to recover from two of his ‘quick’ suicide attempts when he drank rat poison once and something else another time. I was on the other end of the phone (with Patti sitting beside me) when he ‘went bonkers’ last Spring. It was so bad that nine (9) taxi cabs looked at him and drove away. I finally got him into the tenth (10th) taxi because the taxi was immobilized in traffic grid-lock and I surprised the taxi driver by suddenly opening the taxi door as I dragged Simon into the taxi with me telling the poor taxi driver to .. “Get us to the hospital immediately.”

When we got to the hospital emergency room area and Simon exited the taxi he suddenly got partially underneath the taxi cab so the poor driver sat watching his meter click happily away wondering IF he was going to get paid.  Simon you were lucky when I saw you partially underneath the taxi and screamed at the cab driver to STOP as he began to ease away! Some grid-lock traffic in the E.R. area saved your life then Simon. After the hospital crew got Simon (I need to tell you he was stark raving naked .. undressed completely except for wearing his briefs) out from under the taxi I paid the driver a good fee above his meter. Seeing a naked man screaming out on the street was what put-off the first nine taxi drivers who would not let us ride with them.

Having written above that the quick reaction type of suicide I fully understand ..

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND:

Getting things together to go to the airport to catch an airplane to go to Switzerland to commit suicide. Sports Fans this takes some planning. Well I guess armed with a credit card and a passport you can do it instantaneously. So Simon had to have planned and had to have known what he was going to do. I explain this in my earlier Post.

http://babakaps.net/?p=13352

Were it me .. Somewhere along the line of the above itinerary consuming MANY HOURS the thought would have occurred to me: Hey .. I think I will .. DO THIS OR DO THAT ON MY BUCKET LIST(S) .. 

So I have come to the below bottom line.

In the hospital during Simon’s time in the emergency room (Guillible I have to chuckle when you mentioned maybe not to disclose things because of Simon’s future. He himself was unabashed saying aloud in meetings .. “Last night I tried to kill myself.”) the Doctor had reams of medical data about Simon. I see here you were shot (you know .. shot with a gun that fired bullets into you ..) by the police during a mental breakdown and spent eight (8 count them) months in jail until a Judge finally threw the case out telling the Police .. YOU THE POLICE were supposed to protect this man NOT yourselves by shooting him!

Can you imagine .. the police told the Judge that they the police feared for themselves when they encountered rocking-and-a-rolling Simon ‘off his rocker’ so they shot him!

Back to my train of thought here.

In the E.R. (by this time Simon was .. more or less .. calmed down .. the next day I asked him if he remembered anything and he did not ..) the Doctor specifically asked Simon about his heart condition. It seems that in his heredity Simon has some kind of serious issue(s) with his heart and need(s) to take medication.

Back to his text message ..

Cap I cheaped out and waited 18 months for the public hospital. Now it’s too late and most likely I hope to have a few weeks at the most. I’m headed to Switzerland to die with dignity. Sorry I couldn’t say goodbye but I probably couldn’t have handled it anyway. It had been a blast take care and say hi to Patti.

I now read his above text message as follows.

Evidently (AND I MAY NEVER EVER KNOW THIS FOR SURE) Simon decided to get some formal medical help with his heart condition. BUT evidently (CAP I CHEAPED OUT AND WAITED 18 MONTHS FOR THE PUBLIC HOSPITAL) he did not want to pay the price to do so in the private sector. By the time he came up for public medical assistance .. and maybe began the actual medical process to get formal help .. he was told .. AND AGAIN I STRESS THAT I AM JUST GUESSING HERE TRYING TO MAKE SOME SENSE OUT OF IT ALL .. 

“We are sorry but your heart condition has deteriorated to the condition that we are unable to help you.”

Now .. faced with this reality .. perhaps Simon mused ..

“While I have the ability to do something to avoid a lot of pain and suffering and being a puppet in the hands of the medical system I will take matters into my own hands here.”

IF .. (yes there is always BIG IF) there is any semblance of truth to this hypothesis of mine .. THEN I DO .. TO SOME EXTENT AT LEAST .. UNDERSTAND HIS ACTION(S) !

Here are the puzzling and quite honestly bothering questions I sit here with:

“Simon why didn’t you say something to me along the above lines?” .. “Simon I understand a scenario like I have just painted for you on your behalf.” .. “Simon I never knew you to be in any chronic pain. You never one time mentioned being in pain.” .. “You loved hiking up to the top of Victoria Peak. This is a monster undertaking. With a bad heart Simon?” ..

I can’t improve on how I ended my previous Post so I will not try.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU .. Both here in Hong Kong who have been following Simon daily and up-close and in person .. and to the many of you on-line who have conveyed to me their interest and concerns for Simon .. a fair number of you have actually spoken with Simon over the past few months.

Oh God Of Abraham .. Creator Of Heaven And Earth .. I Leave Simon With And Under Your Care ..

Reverently .. Cap ..

Simon those nachos sure were good over in Kowloon!

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Man alive Simon .. they were just outstanding ..

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VAST UNDERSTATEMENT SIMON .. Patti and I sure miss you .. We should have adopted you Simon as our very own!

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When we two met Patti and the airport last April ..

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Cap about this hair of mine! I want my head shaved Cap.

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I understand THAT Simon .. Come On .. Let’s Do It NOW Simon ..

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Now you see it Simon .. Take a good last look my friend ..

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Simon .. Here we go loop de loop ..

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Here we go loop de li ..

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Oh my goodness Cap .. I feel so-o-o-o-o much better. I can think more clearly Cap.

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Trust me Simon .. I understand .. TRULY ! .. I understand!

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And thank you Andrej for your support of Simon. Without you Andrej this website would not exist.

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Here we go loop de loop .. Here we go loop de li .. Here we go loop de loop on a Saturday Night ..

I WILL NOT SPEAK FOR ANY OF YOU BUT .. I SURE FEEL BETTER HAVING WRITTEN THIS POST. OVER AND OUT FOR NOW.  I CAN SET THIS ISSUE TO REST FOR THE TIME BEING. SIMON WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS UNTIL THE END BUT THIS LOOKS LIKE THE END MY FRIEND .. LOVE FROM CAP AND FROM PATTI ..

7 thoughts on “JUN 29, 15 .. SIMON RE-VISITED ..

  1. Patti

    Hard for me to comment. I feel such a loss. I wish I had told Simon MORE EMPHATICALLY (and we told him often and emphatically) how much we appreciated having him in our lives and how much we deeply cared for him. Wherever his joyful spirit is (and I am certain it is joyful as that was the spirit WITHIN Simon) I hope he is at peace. His decision was for him, had to be, and not for us. Bless you Simon for every bit of joy and light you brought into our lives. With love. Patti

    1. cap chastain

      Thank You for reading over and proofing this Post. Great telephone visit after your trip to Homer. So nice you are safely home.

      You could not have said it any better. The problem is that IF low self-esteem is part of his issues .. then no matter what the outside world says the internal thinking can’t move from the low esteem of self. It has to begin within self. It would be nice IF he was following along here wouldn’t it? Love .. Cap ..

  2. zilla

    Monday, April 29, 2015 – noon – So Cal

    Hi Cap,

    Your careful writing about Simon and your thoughts say about a lot about life. It’s such a pity that a very nice person like Simon – and apparently an intelligent person was not able to seek help buy flounder – a real pity, but as you noted life if so different for everyone!

    Many, many years ago when I lived in northern California, I too encounter an individual with mental difficulties. A brief summary of the situation. We lived in the country – for those who may be familiar with Northern California, the small town in the State was Newcastle, in the foothills of the Sierra mountain range. The woman (Pat), our neighbor lived next door, but being in the country, it was a heavy wooded area with a lot of brush and trees and her home was about 800 ft from our home. In short, she tried to burn down her home; my neighbor (Steve) and myself visited her parents who lived a short distance away discussing the issues about 8:00 pm that night, when Pat turned off the power to the house. Strange?!

    We (the parents) while Steve and myself were there called the police and they came and said we will find her and pick her up (which they did later in the evening). My neighbor, Steve and myself went to Pat’s home the next day just to be sure it was properly locked and secure. We entered the home and hundreds of dishes were in the sink, shower, laid everywhere; and numerous markings with paint on all the big window glasses, mirrors plus food laying around. The markings made no sense. It was a total mess. We contacted Pat’s parents to handle the situation.

    In California, a person with mental issues can only be held for 72 hours without further intervention. After 3 days or there about, I was cutting (spliting wood from logs) in my yard, and suddenly I felt that someone was watching me. Sure enough I looked up and Pat was staying on a small hill looking down at me and it scared the “s_ _ _” out of me and I had big goose bumps all over! I should add at this point Pat had visited our home a few days ago during this bazaar episode and we were concerned she might burn down our stable and house and kill our horses! It was tense! It’s a long story (about a “40 beer” story, so a lot of details have been left out)

    Well, I greeted Pat and fortunately she was on medication and appeared quite normal. I made some small talk and she than departed. To my knowledge she was under the care of her parents; and her home was sold right away and I never saw or heard from her again. That was a real experience and I was pretty young at that time and my first occasion with someone with a mental illness.

    Mental illness is very difficult to handle, treat and care for – an example about how long Simon was waiting for assistance through a public agency and did not purse further treatment as a private patient.

    Thank you Cap for your experiences, thoughts, prayers for Simon – only time will tell his faith.

    Zilla

    1. cap chastain

      You can NOT think your way out of the morass IF you are afflicted with mental illness. A broken mind can NOT fix a broken mind.

      ‘Zilla .. do you ever watch the program .. Hoarders .. WHEW .. when you described ‘Pat’s’ home it made me think of some episodes I have watched on Hoarders. I too would have been wary and concerned about my stable and horses. Thanks for your comment.

      YOU had the pleasure to visit with Simon on the phone. I can’t overemphasize how nice a person he is. It .. the situation .. baffles me.

      1. zilla

        Tues, Jun 30, 2015 – 1:00 pm – So Cal

        Hi Cap,

        Yes I have seen a few of the episodes of the Hoarders; and yes that was about how Pat’s home looked! Unbelievable!! And so true, anyone with such difficulties has to take the medicine – with the medicine life goes on in a pretty normal manner (if at all possible); without the medicine, the person breaks down and goes all haywire…

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