As I work my process on my suicidal black hole, I am looking for some answers. I want to learn something and I want to share with you my thoughts as I process this event.

THE PERFECT JOLT  is what hits many alcoholics, and I am assuming  various addicts, when they become ‘clean and sober’.

They assume (here is this word again) that when they are ‘clean and sober’ all of life and its problems will just disappear and they will fly off into some perfect world.



Drinking / Drugging are sometimes the reason people get involved in substance abuse in the first place. As an escape from life and its issues. When we pick-up our substance, the physiological component (our body demands more of our substance) kicks in and the road straight into hell is assured.

More than once Patti has been with / around me when I have hit a suicide wall. Never one time have I considered drinking alcohol. NEVER ONCE.  Suicide? Yes sure! But not drinking.

IF you were to ask me,

“Cap? Should I kill myself or take a drink (or a drug)?”

If I judge they are totally serious, then 100% of the time I will say,

“Pick up a substance. Don’t kill yourself. If you drink or drug you have a chance to get ‘clean and sober’ again. If you kill yourself that-is-that, the end.”

Here is my self-analysis of my crash.

I was stressed out to the absolute max.

For a month I have been stressing out over Windows 10. That is a fact. Just the facts Ma’am. Trust me, I did nothing wrong buying a new laptop that came with Windows 10.

International travel and jet lag are real stressors for me. I couldn’t believe how stressed out I became over this trip. To combat the stress I was feeling I was wildly early (a day early) getting packed. I was at my Dubai airport departure gate B9, having successfully passed through immigration and security a full 2+ hours early. I did all I knew to combat the stress and was not totally successful. Then I could not post photos while I was waiting for my flight at the Dubai airport. Back I come to Windows 10.

I have not said much about my cell phone issues.

Patti and I (are addicted?) need to be in almost constant contact with one another. All was well and all was swell on this trip until I arrived in The Sultanate of Oman. The wheels came off on me. I did nothing wrong. My Dubai cell phone carrier hit me with horrendous roaming charges that shut my account down. I had Ahad immediately put 50 UAE Dirhams on my Dubai cell phone to stop that hemorrhaging and instantly it totally disappeared.

My Dubai cell phone was the only phone Patti could successfully call. So Patti was shut down completely. To this instant in time Patti cannot call me on my Oman Telephone cell phone. Why? I have no clue. Trust me on this, it is easier said than done to find out in the International world what is going on with one’s foreign country based cell phone.

Now all of our communications have to be originated by me. Thankfully I can call Patti and I can text Patti with my Oman cell phone.

The problem? At about (unbeknownst to me until I started to study it) 54-cents a minute, I suddenly gobbled up my pre-paid cell phone funding.

The problem? I did not have a clue as to how to re-charge it. So here I sat with my time running out and no way to re-charge my phone. I can and do text at 13-cents per text. But another stressor was hammering away at me!

My hotel is just great. I decided to extend my stay. Little did I know that I booked it through a website called Agora. I thought I was using TripAdvisor. I was but they use Agora.

Try as I might, and I can really try hard when something matters to me, I could not successfully negotiate with Agora to extend my time. Finally I took my laptop to the front desk and the manager and I together were able to figure things out. That was the good news. The bad news? I have to pay a higher rate to extend. Its only money but it upset me. It stressed me.

Have I ever mentioned that I do not do heat all that well.

It is hot here. I am doing OK but ..

Do all of you see? Do all of you get it? I was swirling in the midst of a Perfect Storm the answers to which I did not have.

To quote (again) ‘Iron Mike’ Tyson: Everybody’s got a plan until they get hit.

One thing went 100% perfectly AOK satisfactory.

My plan when in crisis is: Drink safe healthy liquids. For me dehydration is a life threatening issue. Get out. Do not isolate. Be with people. Eat food. Be rested (I am averaging 10-hours of good sleep a night).

“Iron Mike! I sure took a hit BUT my plan did not fail me.”

Windows 10 is 100% solved. I am staying with Windows 10. Why not? I am getting everything published including photos that I want to post. Once the uploading of photos was solved (By who? By God? I don’t know).

This morning I texted Patti and I told Patti my number one mission today, the 23rd of October 2016, was to get my Oman Telephone pre-paid cell phone re-charged so I can call Patti and we can talk to one another.

“How in the world do I do this?” I thought to myself.

I get along well with the staff here at the Qurum Beach Hotel. I like them and they respond well. They are beyond 10 on the 0 to 10 scale.

“I’ll ask the manager how I do this?”

“Sahib .. ” .. “I will take care of that for you.” .. “You need my phone number Sahib!” .. “No I don’t. I will take care of it for you.” .. “But ..” ..

“Go sit down over there Sir and wait.”

This is my hotel. I love my hotel. I love my Lobby. I did as I was told.
dscn08811He got on his phone instantly and made a telephone call.

“It is taken care of Sir.” .. “But .. You haven’t my phone number.” ..

Here is faith in action. Trusting My Main Man the front desk manager, I texted Patti and told Patti that I WILL CALL HER at 12noon Oman time and 12 midnight in Anchorage.

With me sitting there on the couch absolutely dumbfounded, into the hotel came a man. He handed the front desk manager something. The front desk manager came over and sat down beside me.

“Sahib scratch off the covering. Call the number. Enter the code.

Voila. Talk about an Eskimo. I have money on my pre-paid plan.


As I had promised to do, I called Patti at 12:02. We wanted to .. we didn’t .. both start crying.

“Captain I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden!”

/ signed / .. Life

What did I learn here?

I am no longer going to tax Patti with proof reading my Posts on my time schedule. I am going to publish them when I feel they are ready and Patti can proof read them on her own time schedule when she is ready and comfortable and not feel pressured by my time schedule.

So you see, I did nothing wrong. Life just happens to all of us.

I did not turn to any substance whatsoever.

“Iron Mike! I sure took a hit BUT my plan did not fail me.”

In case you haven’t noticed, over on Blogspot, I published two whopper posts both dated OCT 22, 16, 50-photos and 76-photos.

I sure took a hit and, still just a little bloody, I am rocking and rolling.

Now I’ve washed off the remaining blood with this Post.

Love Cap ..



Well, on-the-face of things, I will state that ..

WINDOWS 10 is the source of my angst.

I am currently faced with having to deal with an ‘important-to-me’ issue, my new LENOVO laptop. Mister LENOVO has a built-in operating system named Windows 10. Because of challenges that I seem to be having with Windows 10, I find myself frustrated, feeling powerless and hopeless and angry. This is a very bad life-mix for yours truly!!

Did this contribute, at least somewhat, to the suicidal-black-hole that I just encountered ? It certainly could have.


The great Afro-American Philosopher ‘Iron Mike’ Tyson said a profound thing when he said: Everybody’s got a plan until they get hit.

Suicide is a problem with one’s brain. When your brain runs amok you are in deep trouble. You are out-of-control and that-is-that. You are not capable of rational thought. You have lost the power of choice to be sane.

Ah yes Captain. Ah yes. There is this small issue of brain chemicals running amok. 

So your Captain here really lucked out the other day. When I was overwhelmed with the black mood, I still had the power to choose to do certain life-saving actions. I immediately drank electrolyte treated water. I left my surroundings and went for a walk. On the beach I was with other people. I chatted with the street cleaners. Then I ate food in a restaurant with other people. When I returned to my hotel room, I changed rooms.

Those who have lost the power to choose to take the actions that I took take their own lives.

And if your brain chemistry has taken-a-hike, the curtain, on the stage play that is you life, is going to come down and your show will be over and done with.

Rabbi Harold S. Kusher, with whom I have corresponded, wrote a book that would seem to define me:

‘When All That You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: The Search for a Life That Matters’

For me to hit an astonishing suicide wall is totally irrational. It makes absolutely no sense at all. I basically feel that I indeed have every thing that I want. In helping others I find deep satisfaction and a meaning for my life.

How about my Big Three.

  1. Health. I have good health. Windows 10 I don’t want this indented.                                        Tough! Live with it!  /s/ Windows 10.

2. Money. I have all the money that I need. Your $ got me! /s/ Windows 10.

3. The guts to use my Health and Money to do what I feel is God’s callings for me. God wants you to use me! /s/ Windows 10.

This is exactly what the total irrationality of suicide is all about. I have not got one good reason to feel suicidal. How many people have committed suicide over a member of the opposite sex. Is this stupid? Or is this STUPID? It is irrational!  No other human being is God Almighty.

Acceptance is the answer?

God grant me the serenity? .. To heck with that ..

God grant me the courage to change the things I can ..

Can I change MicroSoft’s Windows 10?

No I cannot.

Do I have a solution to Windows 10?

Yes! I certainly seem to have a solution to Windows 10!

Here is my extremely simple most basic solution in two simple steps.

Step 1 .. Uninstall Windows 10.

Step 2 .. Install Windows 7.

Now it gets tricky. Now it gets difficult. Now it begins to seem impossible for me to implement my above simple solution. Because of all of the computer bad-people (computer hackers and scammers and neer-do-wells) in this world of ours, I am afraid to just go down the street or go online for a hoped-for-solution. I want to deal with an entity that I totally trust.

I do not trust Classic Shell or other online solutions offered me. I do not trust just going online and flipping a coin about what to do. I do not trust local computer stores.

Who can I trust?


See? I told you didn’t I? /s/ Windows 10.

Yesterday I accomplished the seemingly impossible. I actually was able (in spite of Windows 10? Because of Windows 10?) to contact the entity known as MicroSoft Incorporated and to establish a live chat session with a MicroSoft computer technician.

IF you think getting into a live Chat Session with MicroSoft is easy, just try to do it.

“Hi my name is Naomi how can I help you?”

Brilliant man that I can be, I snuck up on poor Naomi. I asked Naomi about MicroSoft Office 2016. I asked Naomi IF I had successfully installed Office 2016. Long story short, after 20-minutes of intense computer work Naomi verified that I have indeed successfully installed Office 2016.

THEN I DID MY DASTARDLY DEED TO POOR NAOMI! I very innocently said to poor Naomi, “Naomi can you help me with Windows 10?”  After 10-minutes Naomi said to me, “I will have to transfer you to another MicroSoft technician who can assist you because I am not able technically to do so.”

“Hi my name is Chester how can I help you?”

I said and Chester said .. I said, “I want to uninstall Windows 10 and install Windows 7.” .. Chester said, “Sure I can help you. We will use Windows 7 ISO.” .. At 35-minutes into our chat session we got dropped. No more contact. Chester had given me a link in case this happened. I successfully used the link. 

“Hi my name is Rajunath how can I help you?”

See above .. Rajunath said and I said and .. 29-minutes into our chat session we got dropped. I had my link. I used my link.

“Hi my name is Gaurav how can I help you?”

I told Gaurav about Naomi, Chester and Rajunath. Gaurav turned out (finally) to be my last and best Chat Connection. Because I never had Windows 7, I am not able to easily downgrade (using Windows 7 ISO) to Windows 7 from Windows 10. To get Windows 7 I must do a clean install. I must purchase Windows 7 and have a Product Key. The bad news is this: MicroSoft does not sell Windows 7 any longer. I do not want to just buy Windows 7 in just any old computer store nor do I want to purchase it on line. Too many computer bad-guys (hackers, scammers, etc et al). Nor do I want to download a product such as Classic Shell for the same reasons.

Gaurav told me to just buy Windows 7 and contact MicroSoft. They will then tell me if what I purchased is genuine. No thanks. Pay several hundred dollars and be told I bought a non-genuine product.

I am now at the below bottom line:

As all of you can see, I am successfully writing and publishing Posts using Windows 10. I am not willing to risk getting into a mess with non-genuine MicroSoft products. Windows 10 may be a difficult challenge for me but it is working.

Truly it is not broken. I just am in a very steep and difficult learning curve.

Acceptance seems to be possible, at least for now. When IN Hong Kong, when IN a Lenovo official store, then and only then, will I discuss getting Windows 7.

As I come to the end of this mish-mash it is becoming very clear to me that, for now and until I can get with knowledgeable computer professionals I trust, the answer is to stay with Windows 10.

Over And Out for now.

Acceptance is the answer. Cap

I really think that you are making the right decision here Captain. MicroSoft is committed to supporting me. MicroSoft has stopped supporting some of its earlier versions of me and it is just a matter of time until I will be the only version MicroSoft is going to support. /s/ Windows 10.

Windows 10 have you, by any slight vague chance, ever heard of Apple’s Operating System? 

Sure I have Captain. I am compatible with a lot of Apple’s software. Don’t forget you got me and not Apple because all of the libraries you use are running Windows. You Captain have not mastered Apple’s photographic uploading system as well as you have mine.

Touche Windows 10. Touche!

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