OCT 20, 16 .. SUICIDE .. THE ‘S’ WORD IN MY LIFE

My Disclaimer: This is my situation. These are my beliefs. These are my solutions. These are my thoughts about a very challenging life situation that, from time to time, I seem to be forced to deal with. 

YOU may, you may very well NOT want to read this Post. I feel that I must write about it. I feel no choice in the matter. Some one of you may very well need to read this. Her name was Judy Marron. I called Judy ‘Bright Eyes’. In September of 1982 Judy drank a fifth of vodka. Drove her car (an old VW bug that Judy called ‘Piss Pot’) to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Judy parked ‘Piss Pot’ in the right traffic lane. Being a surgical nurse Judy knew her stuff. Judy cut her wrists and jumped from the bridge.

This is NOT about Judy Marron. This is about me. But Judy and her suicide touched my life deeply and forever. Rest In Peace Judy. Many people loved you dearly.

In my life, God’s will is, with careful discernment, to do what is in front of me to do. I cannot let the silent voice in my head, telling me NOT to write this Post, prevail.

You believe. You don’t believe.

God’s will? Is suicide, mine or anyone’s, God’s will?

Suicide is NOT God’s will.

I believe that God’s will is for me NOT to take my own life. That I believe.

God has given me tools that I can use to avoid the impulse of suicide.

A few short words from Father Lawrence Abello, S.J. can be the difference. Maybe my words will assist someone. Could THAT be God’s will?

“Little Captain YOU know from actual experience about this. Share it!” /s/ God

In many respects I am at the very top of my life game. I am at yet another life pinnacle. I have Dubai. I am in Oman. Hong Kong, Ulanbaater Mongolia, all of India and mother Russia herself is calling to me. I have a 3-year multiple entry visa to Russia in my passport.

I am now able to upload photos into my websites. I slept soundly last night for 8-hours. I am over the 12-hour jet lag.

SUICIDE DEFINES IRRATIONAL

Rabbi Harold S. Kusher, with whom I have corresponded, wrote a book that would seem to define me:

‘When All That You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: The Search for a Life That Matters’

For me to hit an astonishing suicide wall is totally irrational. It makes absolutely no sense at all. But that can be suicide. How many people have committed suicide over a member of the opposite sex. Is this stupid or is this STUPID? It is irrational!  No other human being is God Almighty.

When I awoke this morning I had absolutely no idea that the doors of my car-of-life were about to be blown away. That the wheels of my car-of-life were going to fall off. That I was about to crash, burn, die?

When I arose this morning I felt 100% wonderful. On top of the world. Why not? I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

Yes I can make excuses. International travel is very stressful. Not one of you (well maybe some of you) can relate to the stress that I felt at NOT being able to upload photos into my websites.

Yaa-Dee-Laa-Laa Captain. And right there is my mind telling me that I have no right to my feelings.

Suicide seems to be in my genetic makeup. Each of my three first cousins successfully committed suicide. Clive put a gun to his head over a female. Joanne OD’d using drugs. Doug drank himself to death. Their mother, my Auntie Bea, was my mother’s twin sister. Twins have such strong connections. My mother had issues with depression. So I must own my own mental challenges. I am Bi-Polar.

I wrote a long Post yesterday about my arrival into the Sultanate of Oman and about my hotel, The Qurum Beach Hotel. I couldn’t wait to text Patti to let her know that I was ready to publish about 8-hours of work WITH colored photos.

I texted Patti at 6:16am. She did not respond. I waited. I waited over 30-minutes. I did not want to disturb Patti’s viewing of Survivor that was due to air at 7:00pm. I called Patti. Patti answered. She was looking over my Post at that very instant but she had been busy with the Presidential debate when I texted her at 6:16am.

The urge to suicide does NOT necessarily make one-whit-of-sense. The urge to suicide does NOT necessarily slowly creep into your being. The urge to suicide can,

INSTANTLY SMASH YOU TO SMITHEREENS.

The Blackness was INSTANT.

I was overwhelmed with self-anger that I had forgotten about the Presidential Debate. I was furious with myself that I had disturbed Patti.

“Captain! You are in deep trouble here Captain. You are physically shaking. You are thinking about the circular stairway outside of your doorway.”

dscn08621

Sports fans! When this hits you, rationale thought becomes almost impossible as you run to end-it-all. You don’t walk. No! You run full tilt.

The answer is simple.

Here is the answer: You MUST want to LIVE and NOT commit suicide.

Choose life that thou and thy seed may live. The Bible. Deuteronomy 30:19

I heard my Jesuit Priest Father Lawrence Abello

“Cap! Suicide is about ego! Kill your ego Cap! Don’t kill yourself!”

I prayed a short prayer to God.

“God! Get me out of this black hole!”

For by this time sanity had begun to return.

“Drink a half litre of your re-hydration water Captain. You may be de-hydrated.”

Fight the Dragon Captain. Slowly walk down the 63-steps to the Lobby.

“Kill that ego Captain.”

“Does Qurum Beach even exist?”

“Go out and find Quirum beach Captain.”
dscn09251
dscn09261

dscn09281

“Captain you are hungry!” .. ” EAT ! “
dscn09741
dscn09551

dscn09591

dscn09631

dscn09681

Sad to say people do successfully commit suicide.

Me?

Not today God. NOT today, Thursday the 20th of October 2016.

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. Meister Eckhart

Thank You Oh God of Abraham For Being Here Today.

I Love You God ..

/s/ Your little Captain.

You don’t think that I am serious!

I changed my room, that is how serious this was.

My former view out of my window.dscn09081The view from my new room.
dscn09841

Today I don’t have to eat my nice steak dinner with a spoon. I can ask for a knife and a fork.

Today I can say, “Please give me a room with a more pleasant view.”dscn09851

8 thoughts on “OCT 20, 16 .. SUICIDE .. THE ‘S’ WORD IN MY LIFE

    1. cap

      Nice. Very nice. The crash was mine and mine alone. So pleased you liked your name in the sand. A wonderful and a real beach. Love, Cap.

  1. Ginny Cummins-Cook

    Cap, I am so very sorry for your loss! Being bipolar myself and having had a grandfather who also committed suicide, I know a little how you feel. The craziness of this mental illness is very serious. I often pray that God take me home. But, like you said it’s not God’s will for me to take my own life, my life is in His hands and I will live it joyfully to the best of my ability for each new day He alows me to have!

    Love you Cap!!

    1. cap

      I had to write this Post Ginny to help, in some small way, to empower others dealing with mental illness. To own it. To accept it. To talk about it. I know what to do and I did it.

      First and foremost I must deal with the physical being. HALT! I was not tired because I had just gotten up from a good 8-hour rest. I can not think my way out. I must act my way out. Drinking electrolyte treated water. Eating. Getting out and into another venue. Being with people in a restaurant.

      We can’t think our way into right actions. We must act our way into right thinking.

      Thanks for your support. Smiles, Cap

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


  • Jan
  • Feb
  • Mar
  • Apr
  • May
  • Jun
  • Jul
  • Aug
  • Sep
  • Oct
  • Nov
  • Dec

August 2008 View complete archive page

September 2011 View complete archive page

October 2011 View complete archive page

March 2013 View complete archive page

April 2013 View complete archive page

May 2013 View complete archive page

December 2013 View complete archive page

May 2015 View complete archive page

March 2016 View complete archive page

October 2016 View complete archive page

November 2016 View complete archive page