As I work my process on my suicidal black hole, I am looking for some answers. I want to learn something and I want to share with you my thoughts as I process this event.
THE PERFECT JOLT is what hits many alcoholics, and I am assuming various addicts, when they become ‘clean and sober’.
They assume (here is this word again) that when they are ‘clean and sober’ all of life and its problems will just disappear and they will fly off into some perfect world.
Here is THE PERFECT JOLT.
IT AIN’T HAPPENING !
Drinking / Drugging are sometimes the reason people get involved in substance abuse in the first place. As an escape from life and its issues. When we pick-up our substance, the physiological component (our body demands more of our substance) kicks in and the road straight into hell is assured.
More than once Patti has been with / around me when I have hit a suicide wall. Never one time have I considered drinking alcohol. NEVER ONCE. Suicide? Yes sure! But not drinking.
IF you were to ask me,
“Cap? Should I kill myself or take a drink (or a drug)?”
If I judge they are totally serious, then 100% of the time I will say,
“Pick up a substance. Don’t kill yourself. If you drink or drug you have a chance to get ‘clean and sober’ again. If you kill yourself that-is-that, the end.”
Here is my self-analysis of my crash.
I was stressed out to the absolute max.
For a month I have been stressing out over Windows 10. That is a fact. Just the facts Ma’am. Trust me, I did nothing wrong buying a new laptop that came with Windows 10.
International travel and jet lag are real stressors for me. I couldn’t believe how stressed out I became over this trip. To combat the stress I was feeling I was wildly early (a day early) getting packed. I was at my Dubai airport departure gate B9, having successfully passed through immigration and security a full 2+ hours early. I did all I knew to combat the stress and was not totally successful. Then I could not post photos while I was waiting for my flight at the Dubai airport. Back I come to Windows 10.
I have not said much about my cell phone issues.
Patti and I (are addicted?) need to be in almost constant contact with one another. All was well and all was swell on this trip until I arrived in The Sultanate of Oman. The wheels came off on me. I did nothing wrong. My Dubai cell phone carrier hit me with horrendous roaming charges that shut my account down. I had Ahad immediately put 50 UAE Dirhams on my Dubai cell phone to stop that hemorrhaging and instantly it totally disappeared.
My Dubai cell phone was the only phone Patti could successfully call. So Patti was shut down completely. To this instant in time Patti cannot call me on my Oman Telephone cell phone. Why? I have no clue. Trust me on this, it is easier said than done to find out in the International world what is going on with one’s foreign country based cell phone.
Now all of our communications have to be originated by me. Thankfully I can call Patti and I can text Patti with my Oman cell phone.
The problem? At about (unbeknownst to me until I started to study it) 54-cents a minute, I suddenly gobbled up my pre-paid cell phone funding.
The problem? I did not have a clue as to how to re-charge it. So here I sat with my time running out and no way to re-charge my phone. I can and do text at 13-cents per text. But another stressor was hammering away at me!
My hotel is just great. I decided to extend my stay. Little did I know that I booked it through a website called Agora. I thought I was using TripAdvisor. I was but they use Agora.
Try as I might, and I can really try hard when something matters to me, I could not successfully negotiate with Agora to extend my time. Finally I took my laptop to the front desk and the manager and I together were able to figure things out. That was the good news. The bad news? I have to pay a higher rate to extend. Its only money but it upset me. It stressed me.
Have I ever mentioned that I do not do heat all that well.
It is hot here. I am doing OK but ..
Do all of you see? Do all of you get it? I was swirling in the midst of a Perfect Storm the answers to which I did not have.
To quote (again) ‘Iron Mike’ Tyson: Everybody’s got a plan until they get hit.
One thing went 100% perfectly AOK satisfactory.
My plan when in crisis is: Drink safe healthy liquids. For me dehydration is a life threatening issue. Get out. Do not isolate. Be with people. Eat food. Be rested (I am averaging 10-hours of good sleep a night).
“Iron Mike! I sure took a hit BUT my plan did not fail me.”
Windows 10 is 100% solved. I am staying with Windows 10. Why not? I am getting everything published including photos that I want to post. Once the uploading of photos was solved (By who? By God? I don’t know).
This morning I texted Patti and I told Patti my number one mission today, the 23rd of October 2016, was to get my Oman Telephone pre-paid cell phone re-charged so I can call Patti and we can talk to one another.
“How in the world do I do this?” I thought to myself.
I get along well with the staff here at the Qurum Beach Hotel. I like them and they respond well. They are beyond 10 on the 0 to 10 scale.
“I’ll ask the manager how I do this?”
“Sahib .. ” .. “I will take care of that for you.” .. “You need my phone number Sahib!” .. “No I don’t. I will take care of it for you.” .. “But ..” ..
“Go sit down over there Sir and wait.”
“It is taken care of Sir.” .. “But .. You haven’t my phone number.” ..
Here is faith in action. Trusting My Main Man the front desk manager, I texted Patti and told Patti that I WILL CALL HER at 12noon Oman time and 12 midnight in Anchorage.
With me sitting there on the couch absolutely dumbfounded, into the hotel came a man. He handed the front desk manager something. The front desk manager came over and sat down beside me.
Voila. Talk about an Eskimo. I have money on my pre-paid plan.
As I had promised to do, I called Patti at 12:02. We wanted to .. we didn’t .. both start crying.
“Captain I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden!”
/ signed / .. Life
What did I learn here?
I am no longer going to tax Patti with proof reading my Posts on my time schedule. I am going to publish them when I feel they are ready and Patti can proof read them on her own time schedule when she is ready and comfortable and not feel pressured by my time schedule.
So you see, I did nothing wrong. Life just happens to all of us.
I did not turn to any substance whatsoever.
“Iron Mike! I sure took a hit BUT my plan did not fail me.”
In case you haven’t noticed, over on Blogspot, I published two whopper posts both dated OCT 22, 16, 50-photos and 76-photos.
I sure took a hit and, still just a little bloody, I am rocking and rolling.
Now I’ve washed off the remaining blood with this Post.
Love Cap ..
- OCT 22, 16 .. LIVING WITH FRUSTRATION, POWERLESSNESS, HOPELESSNESS, ANGER
- OCT 25, 16 .. A POST REPLYING TO A GREAT COMMENT